A man on his way home from work in downtown Ottawa came to a dead halt
in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than
usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and
forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The Prime Minister is so depressed about the
corruption scandals that he stopped his limo in the middle of the highway
and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.
He says the country hates him and he can't quit because he hasn't a
big enough pension to retire. I'm walking around taking up a collection
for him."
"Oh, really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about a hundred litres but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning.
*
Canadian Impostor Alert
As a fledgling Canadian, you will have to be extra vigilant. There
are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is
falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following
statement - and then carefully note their reaction:
"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at
the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to
the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook,
melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car
and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in
my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy
and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I
say, except, "Chimo!"
If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one ofus.
If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they
are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at
once.
The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different
Canadianisms. In order:
pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the
government for not working.
mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the
other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is
still a Canadianism through and through.)
C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with
"hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.
beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.
skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers.
muskeg: Boggy swampland.
duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of
inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at
the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's
french and english.
deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through
skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory
constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what an
impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile."
chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and
onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton,
much to the pleasure of Calgarians.
Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart.
Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)
snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner;
non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)
ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its
inconspicuousness.
impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an
adjective (the alternative adjectival from of "impaired" being
"pissed to the gills").
S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton
ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the
front. And back!
toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same
suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.
chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly
looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder."
(See Western Canada)
shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur.
According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary,
"shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that
Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you
will do fine.)
Chimo!: The last sound heard before a Canadian falls over. Passes out!
EH!
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians Sunbathe.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down.
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water get thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
From the Ottawa Citizen:
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 300
employees and has the following statistics:
30 have been accused of spousal abuse
9 have been arrested for fraud
14 have been accused of writing bad cheques
95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
4 have done time for assault
55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
12 have been arrested on drug related charges
4 have been arrested for shoplifting
16 are currently defendants in lawsuits
62 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
It is the 301 MP's in the Canadian Parliament. The same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Black Boxes.
The Ministry of Transport & Safety recently divulged that it had,for
the last five years, covertly funded a project with Ford & Chrysler auto
makers whereby Ford & Chrysler installed black boxes in four wheel drive
pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 9 of the 10 provinces that the
last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!".
Only the province of Newfoundland and Labrador wasdifferent,
where 89.3% of the final words were:
"Hold me beer and watch 'dis."
Subject: "Survivor" - CBC version
CBC Television is developing a Canadian version of "Survivor" the popular TV show.
The rules are simple: Each contestant must travel to
Saskatchewan and go from Estevan to La Ronge through Weyburn, Stoughton, Carlyle, Indian Head, Regina, Moose Jaw, Swift Current, Maple Creek, Leader, Kindersley, North Battleford Saskatoon, Humbolt, Yorkton, Porcupine Plain, Melfort, Nipawin, Prince Albert, Shellbrook
and back to Estevan again, driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:
" I voted for Chretien, I'm from Ontario, I'm Gay, and I'm here to take your Guns".
The last one alive is the winner.
A BLONDE ON A HOLIDAY IN CANADA
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers
the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of
your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops
for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,
runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if
they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi,
my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!!!"
