PEOPLE


*
This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a
little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to
believe in the goodness of people and believe that there is hope for
the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the
workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew,
gems-in-the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of
project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while
they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week
they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come
by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew
building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons of bitches at
Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit!"
 




*
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy>says to the other, "Let's talk.
I hear that the flight will go faster if>you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off>his glasses and asks,
"What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting>conversation.
But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a>deer all eat the same stuff.
But the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big>patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit
 

 
 

*
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good
mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you couldjust put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed,
rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Put the tray up, Bitch."
 

 
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'"
 

 
 


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a
friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when
he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella
rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, "Bang, bang",
and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."





This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who
was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you'renot one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
 

 
 


A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the
men say the following
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two
asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one
lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives......... "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
'Mississippi'." I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!
 

 
 

*
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This old lady received a new radio at the lunch, and was writing to say thanks. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School, God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Life is good.

Sincerely,
Edna
 





Psychological test
This is a genuine psychological test.
It is a story about a girl. While at the
funeral of her own mother, she met
this guy whom she did not know. She thought
this guy was amazing, so much
her dream guy she believed him to be, that
she fell in love with him there
but never asked for his number and then......
A few days later the girl killed her ownsister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her
sister? Give this some thought
for a while before you scroll down....
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would
appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like
a psychopath. This was a test
by a famous American psychologist used to test
if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial
killers took part in this
test and answered it correctly. If you didn't
answer correctly - good for you.
If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest
that you keep your distance.
If you got it correct, please let me know so I
can take you off my distribution list!
 

 
 


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said ..."Good Trade."
 

 
 


CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU WILL NEVER SEE

Strangers have the best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Some kittens Can Fly

Kath Was So Bad her Mom Stopped Loving Her

The Kids Guide to Hitch Hiking

You are Different and That's Bad

Daddy's New Wife Timothy

POP! Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games

Curious George and the High Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

How to BEcome the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School

Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

What is the Dog doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be Friends?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
 

 
 


How to deal with irate customers...

In dealing with those 'special' customers we all love, an award should
go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and
funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who
probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was
cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to get in line for that, too."
 





15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/shopping partner is taking their sweet time:

 
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares . . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"
 

 
 


This was supposedly written by a black man in Texas......so
funny.....what a great sense of humor!

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored?
 

 
 


An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are so cold. "
Themother replied, "Put them between your legs, your body heat will warm
them up. " So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the
daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said, "My hands are freezing
cold." The girl said "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body
will warm them up. " So he did and warmed his hands. The next day the
boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose
is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my
body will warm it up."
So he did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was smiling
when he got into the buggy with the daughter, and said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter says to her mother, "Have you ever
heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why yes, Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies: "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
 

 
 


Subject: For the Ladies ... Sick days

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one
recent occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway, because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I had conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping with my outraged nudity to make a statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without consequence. Sighing loudly, I crouched down and stuck my head under the
sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the fascinating dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. And, at precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up when the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
>floor buck naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked. "Cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
 




*
Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back ...
or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are a few people who do....

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold
a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let
me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of
the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked
to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!

7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any
...a true story ... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
 

 
 


WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT, BUT PROBABLY SHOULD:

 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
 
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3.Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder - What the hell was I thinking?

 5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

 6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
Congratulations Anyway!

7. I've always wanted to have someone to  hold, someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

 8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell... till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married.
But  not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for  your age...
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. I am so glad that we are such good friends...
Relatives always expect money in their card.

15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was? 
 
17. Your friends and I wanted to do  something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
 

 
 


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly
from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.

 
 

*
New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying
a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole!" afterwards.
 




*
Trial and error

SOUTH CAROLINA LAW: (This actually happened in the mid-1980's)

In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand.

She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type,
well-spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind
their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pushing
shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the
judge's and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented
every word.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man
can't build or maintain a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his
chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout
the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you
crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
 

 
 


"NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill.."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
 

 
 


NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come
out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and
unto the Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

"I think it's Adam's underwear."





An Englishman, an Irishman and a Newfie are all playing golf with their
wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over
to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husbanddemanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers -why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear! "
Lastly, the Newfie's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus , Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. "
The Newfie reaches into his pocket and says, "Well,fer the love 'o Jasus,
'n the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yurself up a bit."
 

 
 


The Worst Golf Foursome Ever:

1 Monica Lewinsky
2 OJ Simpson
3 Ted Kennedy
4 Bill Clinton

Why You Ask?

1 Monica Is A Hooker
2 OJ Is A Slicer
3 Ted Kennedy Can't Drive Over The Water, And
4 Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last!
 

 
 


THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration
 

 
 


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers
in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get
a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's
life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
them?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh." --Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a
slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
 





In charge?
I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge" said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of your energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body

wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge" said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
 

 
 

*
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but
it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
and it didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink
of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready
to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey,
remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus
six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.

"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher
the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The
teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.




Can you cry under water?
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
 

 
 


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wrapsherself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 

 
 

*
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate
chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his
way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way
to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife......
Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
 




Colonoscopy humor

A physician claims these are comments from patients made while performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
 

 
 

*
Getting Old

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little
concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think
I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I
said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
 

 
 


Politically Correct

To my dear friends:

I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so
difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without
offending someone.

I want to say to all of you: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my
best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, non-addictive gender neutral, celebration of the winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make Canada great (not to imply that Canada is
necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Canada "
in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference
of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and
warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new
wish at the sole discretion of the wisher...

"HAPPY WINTER CELEBRATION"

Manny
 

 
 


How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck
 

 
 


Maude and Claude

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in
their social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out
for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely
evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and despite
his age, Claude was still a charmer.
Afterward Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner
drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the after glow of the magic moment they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If
I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off
my panty hose."




Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or at night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to
show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?



Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way. things are going to get ugly
 

 
 


THE BENCH
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 

 
 


A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business...
 

 
 


Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went
to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in
Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful daytomorrow.

"Is that all?", Holmes asked.

"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?".

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you dickhead.
Someone has stolen the f------ tent."
 

 
 


BUMPER STICKERS

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

The Earth is Full -- Go Home.

Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

So Many Pedestrians -- So Little Time.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

lliterate? Write For Help.